In fact, your partner doesn't really care if you turn on the dishwasher or are 20 minutes late for your appointment. An emotion-focused therapist views conflict in relationships as a cycle of negative interaction, rooted in the emotional processing of our need for intimacy. In particular, with romantic partners, emotionally charged exchanges can develop so quickly and become so chaotic that it is all too easy to lose sight of what really happened and how partners might have responded in other ways. This can cause you deep anxiety, to the point that you feel like you are fighting for your life. As mammals, we are programmed for social connections, more than food. Our need for intimacy and the strong emotions that accompany it tend to come on suddenly and abruptly.
When you pay more attention to the content of the arguments (for example, who forgot to mail an important package), you are missing the whole point of the conflict. Fighting is actually related to the emotional security of the relationship, the partner's subjective feeling that the other cares about him (or their presence with you), and the fear that they might get hurt. In this sense, dealing with a relationship is about emotional vulnerability, availability, and responsiveness. This leads to acceptance of painful and rejected feelings and parts of oneself, which can greatly strengthen the relationship.
Our need for relationships and affection is inherent in us by nature and has adapted over time. In addition to disagreements rooted in personality differences, partners actually argue because their behavior patterns make them feel disconnected and stuck in a dead end. These patterns are defined as the “negative cycle” of relationships in which partners must learn to fight as a team. The way out of this model is an emotionally bonding experience of vulnerability and intimacy, not a constant circle after circle of negative cycles. In this sense, their arguments in disputes effectively delineate stuck patterns of mutually reinforcing responses in which their attachment feels threatened. In this sense, when we carry out arguments in arguments (“but you didn't wash the dishes!”), They actually share stuck patterns of behavior that negatively amplify reactions many times over, because of which our attachment to our partner is questioned. Relationships are destroyed not because of increased conflict, but because of a lack of connection, a decrease in attachment and a decrease in emotional responsiveness due to the fact that partners are stuck in their "negative cycle."
Research into partners' arguments shows that they do not use communication skills in the heat of an argument. Even if you ask a therapist for help, he will not teach you communication skills. Most people in difficult relationships are good at communicating. You probably get along pretty well with friends, coworkers, strangers, and other people in your daily life. But why is it so difficult for you to communicate with your partner? The answer is that you are trapped in negative patterns of reactions (arguments), unspoken feelings, and confusing or hidden ways to satisfy your need for communication and comfort. There is a lot hidden under the words. Finding what's underneath leads us to the true cause of quarrels and relationship problems.
Thus, even if you pay attention to communication skills, it will not 100% help to find the root of problems and will not solve them in the long run. Research into partners' arguments shows that they do not use communication skills in the heat of an argument. In fact, when you are upset and most in need of approval or support, you are more likely to react intuitively at lightning speed. Usually, you don't think about using communication skills such as “self-affirmations” and “reflecting” or “confirming” the statements your partner has just made. In this sense, partners should take a close look at what lies behind their arguments and feeds negative patterns. What is blocking hidden feelings? Partners need to learn how to address each other with feelings such as sadness at a breakup, feelings of failure or inferiority, or fear of rejection.